Drop the whole idea of deserving or not deserving. It is only a poor attempt to veil unashamed self-absorption.
This self-pity we wallow in is the very same mantle we dress ourselves in when we are proud.
This pride is the vanity of having success and it is the same self-pity and self-loathing we experience. Pride veils itself, disguises its unashamed self-absorption and creates its own destruction and failure just to avoid being imposed on by others. You are too proud to fail and so you impose it on yourself proclaiming your victimization when in fact it is an orchestrated performance.
But because of its self-absorbed intensity, you like Narcissus, gladly fall for such an ideal failure, drunk in your own self-created torment.
It is very absorbing, more powerful than any known opiate or barbiturate because it is none other than your naked ego.
Behold its glory and terror at the same moment!
You only fear your own success. Start embracing it because you deserve it.
I speak your heart. You speak your mind.
It is nothing new. Just old repeated and worn patterns we desperately cling to in hopes of being in control.
How long will you let this continue?
How long will you keep imposing on yourself self-suffering?
There is none greater tragedy than self-absorption.